When to not be a "mama bear"

“Mama Bear” by definition: A woman, especially a mother, who is extremely protective of a child or children. We have all been there right?! I believe there is nothing more scary than a mama bear protecting their baby. It’s a very overwhelming feeling to make sure that no harm in any way comes to our babes. As my girls are getting older we are inevitably coming up against more situations that make my mama bear instincts flare. I want to bubble wrap them from disappointments, hard lessons, unkindness, gossip, failure, literally all of it. The hardest part for me is to separate the times where I need to step in and protect them and the times that I need to buckle up my mama bear desires and let the situations play out with quiet advice from the sidelines. Our biggest goal is to help our girls become capable and smart. To treat unkindness with strength but love. To apologize if we have hurt someone’s feelings unknowingly. Most importantly to never have a victim mentality.

We had a situation recently, where one of the girls was up against a little bit of bullying. As soon as my girl shared the situation with me, my hackles went up. I literally lost sleep over it for days. I gave her my best advice on how to calmly diffuse the situation but the behavior got worse over a couple days. She calming went to her on day one and tried to talk it out to see what the root of the issue was. We discussed at home what she may have done to the little girl to make her react like this all of a sudden. We wanted to make it better but weren’t sure how. I always want the girls to look at these things from someone else’s shoes in case they unknowingly hurt someone’s feelings. To be sensitive to other’s perspectives. To never be reactionary. The next day behavior really ramped up. It was just getting unkind and I really had to make the tough decision on to step in or not. My thoughts went straight to “I’m going to discuss it with the mom”. I would certainly want to know if one of my girls was being unkind. I discussed me stepping in with my girl . I never want to take action without her knowing. I like us to be a team on this sort of thing. I had to weigh the worst case scenario in my mind. If I stepped in with the other mom, what would the ripple effect be of that? 1. I am now potentially spotlighting this other little girl and making her even more mad at mine which could lead to more unkindness. 2. I am not letting my girl deal with her battles herself. How will she ever know how to handle these sorts of issues in the future when I’m not there to step in? After lots of thought, I explained to her that I wasn’t going to discuss it with the mom and why.

So here is what we did. We decided to build a couple scenarios to practice what she would say if certain things happened. I’m a big fan of being mentally prepared for potential confrontations so you aren’t caught of guard. Being prepared I’ve always found keeps you from feeling helpless, frazzled or the situation escalating. Our big goal was to not allow someone to mistreat her but also deal with it kindly and firmly. She needed to stand up for herself. We decided on “ Please don’t talk about me behind my back. I would really like to get back to being friends again.” If gossiping was continuing. Another option for if unkind behavior was happening would be “ Please don’t be mean anymore, I would really like to be friends again if we can”. The truth was, my babe did still want to be friends with this girl and I agreed. Thankfully, the little girl snapped out of whatever was bothering her the next day and all went back to normal so my babe didn’t have to use any of our scripts. Phew! Crisis averted and I’m so happy I didn’t step in like I really wanted to.

I know this was a very little hiccup for my girl and there are so many serious bullying issues that so many mamas have to endure with their little ones. My heart breaks over it! I pray we help our babies be strong and brave and always enable them to stand up for themselves kindly.

Mommy Monday-which shoes?

I find these ages of 8 and 6 to be my favorite.  We are in such a sweet spot. I don't know if it's me feeling more peace and joy in my own life or absorbing my little's lives.  I find myself often worrying or anxious if  day to day I am doing a good job of creating a life for the girls that they will remember and want to replicate.  I cherish my childhood with my family and always aim to recreate the same feelings for my girls.  Of course we are all different, but I know exactly what I hope to create for my girls.  I want them to feel confident, included, loved, special and secure.  I want them to trust their instincts and know their opinions.  I want they to be fiercely confident in what makes them happy and strive to have that feeling daily.  

I had a great conversation recently with my dad about the girls.  I love that we can talk so openly about what his feelings were raising me and my brother with my mom and his male perspective. My dad and I are incredibly alike and I value his masculine opinion greatly.  It helps me see things clearly from a different angle.  We are both very self competitive and strive for more all the time.  We aren't perfectionists but see things very fast moving.  Always quickly moving towards the bigger goal.  That is a really hard perspective to carry when raising kids. I teeter on the line of " to much and not enough" never sure what's the right thing.  I want my girls to feel independent from me but still feel me close if they need me. 

My dad gave me the best advice and interestingly enough it was things I had been mulling over for some time.  He said " make sure they feel included in your decisions". So simple.  This I hope makes the girls feel that their opinion is good , valued and taken seriously by me.  I had been adopting this practice but didn't know I was doing it.  For example, I would be getting dressed for a date with Erik and ask the girls to pick out my shoes that they thought would work with the outfit I had on. They would scamper into the closet and come out with options.  Some super "wow" and some really great!  I would try them all on and we would discuss which was better and why.  Then we would move onto earrings, lipstick and coat.  This seems frivolous but made my heart so happy.  They knew mommy wanted to look nice for my date with daddy and wanted to help.  

I remember the silliest things about my mom getting ready for a special event and I want my girls to remember their own special memories about me.